fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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