I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
