I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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