Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
