one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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