Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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