My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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