i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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