when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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