you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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