Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
