Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize