Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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