I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
