I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
