my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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