The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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