i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
