New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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