im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize