He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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