apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
