I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
