I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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