Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
