I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
