I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
