Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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