I hate your face
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm too high and old for this...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize