I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
