omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
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