We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize