she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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