You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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