Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The cops high fived after they tackled you
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
