This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
