The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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