I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
