I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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