I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
