Do you still have your period?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My feet surprised me
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