Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
