I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
