i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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