Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
