you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How does one acquire holy water?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
