Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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