I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
