my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
