I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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