I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
