you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize