seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
