Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
