I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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