Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
