Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
