nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think my fart just growled at me.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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