If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
