I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
