So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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