I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
