do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Randomize
