I've blown a few things in my day
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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