FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
