those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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